listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
