Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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