Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
