here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
