omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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