Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
