Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
