so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
its liver damage thursday
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
