ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
