This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
