cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
