i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
