my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
