mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
