girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
