Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
wow bdsm is so cute
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
