is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
