after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
