So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
operation harelip BJ is a go
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
