im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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