Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
