first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i wish my penis had a tongue
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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