doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
