I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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