you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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