I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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