Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
