The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
