He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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