I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
