She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
This girl is more easily done than said...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
