At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
