Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
