Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
