I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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