so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
