so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
