I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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