I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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