I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
