I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
