Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
