First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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