I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My penis needs a shock collar
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
