Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
