you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
