Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
