Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
