I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
