just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
