Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
