I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
