Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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