He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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